30 Lessons for Loving, guest blogger Adrienne Zahniser

Dr. Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist and Professor of Human Development at Cornell University, has provided an intriguing look at love and marriage from the viewpoint of over 700 married adults, 65 and older, representing a total of 25,000 years of married life.  His five-chapter book, neatly divided into six lessons per chapter, is the result of a carefully designed in-depth interview study named the Marriage Advice Project, which he outlines in the Appendix.  Here he details the need of such a study, his research methods, ways he found a diverse and appropriate sample of interviewees, how he determined the questions and conducted the interviews, and how he analyzed the enormous amount of data collected.  His goal was to ask these older experts, married 30 years or more, “directly and in detail about the kinds of advice they would offer younger people about getting and staying married in a complex and difficult world.”

Though the study was quite academic in nature, the book itself is written for a popular audience—more personal, few end notes, no index or bibliography—with many quotes.  Excerpts from the many interviews are used freely and engagingly; a reader senses that both men and women responded thoughtfully, even eagerly to the questions for which they had much experience and definite ideas.  Some of these persons were widowed, some divorced, some had multiple marriages, some were same-sex, but the overwhelming cohort was 70-90 year-old couples in traditional one-time marriages.

The elders agreed on a number of important issues:  love is necessary in marrying, but so is common sense.  Sharing similar core values and interests, especially in such areas as money, religion, child rearing, careers, sex, friends is essential.  Additional values, often repeatedly mentioned, were sense of humor, honesty, trust, ability to listen and communicate, courtesy and respect, being good friends—a team, accepting partners as they are without trying to change them, and making time for each other.  The final lesson from all these experts:  “treat marriage, at every stage, as a lifelong commitment.”  Marriage then is a discipline, “a path where you get better at something by mindfully attending to it and by continual practice.” 

Most of these ideas are found in the multitude of advice books available to readers today.  This one, however, is unique because of the large sample group of older adults with views from the end of life; their experiences, both positive and negative, represent the full gamut of joys and problems inherent in love, relationships, and marriage.  They have earned a right to be heard, and the author has provided an amazing amount of useful information by listening to these many “grandparents,” then arranging their responses in a pleasing format.  This is a book you will enjoy reading and recommending to your friends and relatives! 

30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage by Karl Pillemer, Hudson Street Press, 2015. ISBN 978-1-59463-154-2, $25.95.     For more information, visit http://marriagelegacy.org. Dr. Pillemer blogs at Huffington Post and has been interviewed by a number of news sources and media outlets. He has also written 30 lessons for Living, and is thinking about his next book which may be about finding one’s purpose in life, also based on the advice of older people. (I think he likes us!)

Flight Behavior

Our book club meets this afternoon--"Flight Behavior" by Barbara Kingsolver. I can't say it's my favorite novel (you might have guessed I prefer non-fiction). However, this writer has a way with words. What dog owner (yes, I've had a few in my younger days) wouldn't love this paragraph when Dellarobia (main character) let's her dog out into the snow:

"Snow. Roy bounded wolfishly through the white deep, nosing into drifts, leaving a tangled line of tracks as he hurried to put his small yellow tags on all of the year's most notable points. The dog version of Post-its."

Spoiler: The author was ahead with the next to last chapter of love, sacrifice and redemption of the past, then spoiled it in the final chapter with self-centered, silly "I gotta be me" decision by the main character. It's like being reminded how dumb we were in our 20s.

Fortunately, I found this for $2 at the library sale.

Reviewing math

This week someone posted on Facebook about reviewing insanely simple 9th grade math problems and I mentioned I'd been looking for something for review, but couldn't go higher than 5th grade because the material was too difficult.

Yesterday at Volunteers of America for 90 cents I found the neatest book, "Math on Call," Houghton Mifflin, 2004. It's attractive, nicely arranged, color coded with clear explanations that are somewhat below my reading level, even if the math isn't. So I went online to check out the grade level and found it is "sixth to eighth." It includes number theory, computation (which is about all I can do), algebra, graphs and statistics, geometry, ratio/proportion/percent, probability and odds, then study tips, test taking tips, tables, patterns (like Fibonacci) and systems (Roman numerals, Mayan, etc.) This is a terrific "review," and if elementary kids are doing this, God bless'em.   Also, the used ones I saw on-line were about $40--I may be bad at math, but that's more than 90 cents.

God is not dead in Gotham

Cheer up, you’re worse than you think,” Rev. Timothy Keller says with a smile. He’s explaining that humans are more weak, more fallen, more warped than they “ever dare admit or even believe.” Then comes the good news: At the same time people are “more loved in Christ and more accepted than they could ever imagine or hope.” Many Millennial Christians in NYC attend his Presbyterian church--and respond to his message. “Every other religion has a founder that says: ‘I’ll show you the way to God. Only Christianity of all the major world religions has a founder that says: ‘I’m God, come to find you.’

http://www.wsj.com/articles/kate-bachelder-god-isnt-dead-in-gotham-1419032446

My little book group that met at Panera’s a few years ago used his book,

And it is outstanding.  Maybe I’ll reread it.

Part 1: The Leap of Doubt There Can't Be Just One True Religion How Could a Good God Allow Suffering? Christianity is a Straitjacket The Church is Responsible for So Much Injustice How Can a Loving God Send People to Hell? Science Has Disproved Christianity You Can't Take the Bible Literally Part 2: The Reasons for Faith The Clues of God The Knowledge of God The Problem of Sin Religion and the Gospel The (True) Story of the Cross The Reality of the Resurrection The Dance of God

Standing in the need of prayer

Our church library had a give-away this week. I picked up one I'd reviewed for the newsletter years ago, "Praying for the world's 365 most influential people." Some were Christians, but most were celebrities, athletes, politicians, movers and shakers caught up in their own power and influence, and since the copyright is 1999, many are dead or forgotten or now powerless.

Noah's Compass by Anne Tyler

After the Women's Club book sale at Lakeside Chautauqua a few weeks ago, I tucked the bag of books under the wicker on the porch. Friday while waiting for our guests, I poked around in the bag and found Anne Tyler's Noah's Compass. I didn't remember buying it, but there it was. Although I was in the middle of two other novels, this one held my interest and I finished it quickly. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/books/review/Harrison-t.html?_r=0

“At 61, Liam has lost his job “teaching fifth grade in a second-rate private boys’ school,” an embarrassment he accepts with the informed stoicism of someone who completed all but his dissertation for a doctorate in philosophy. Now he can settle into retirement in a smaller, cheaper apartment on the outskirts of Baltimore, the city Tyler owns as a novelist, so faithfully does she return to its setting. But before Liam has spent even one night in what he expects will be his “final dwelling place,” a would-be burglar comes through the back door Liam failed to lock.

The next thing Liam knows, he’s in a hospital bed, his head bandaged, with no idea of how he came to be there. The burglar may not have made off with any of Liam’s material possessions, but he hit him hard enough to obliterate a few hours’ worth of his memory, and it is this loss — rather than that of a teaching position he didn’t much like — that serves as a catalyst for all that follows. Neither his ex-wife nor his three daughters, who consider Liam so obtuse they call him Mr. Magoo, understand his growing fixation on retrieving what he can’t remember, especially as it was, presumably, traumatic. But as Liam understands it, “his true self had gone away from him and had a crucial experience without him and failed to come back afterward.”” NYT review

Joann gives it 5 stars: “I love the way Tyler takes everyday happenings and makes the reader realize that nothing is really insignificant, that everything has meaning or value. While reading the book, you hardly realize the layers of character development that she has woven into the story. Her observations of the human condition are always so on-target, but she never makes judgments about what she sees.”

Complete guide to walking

I had my gate pass with me this morning, so I turned and walked outside the 2nd street gate at Oak Ave., and browsed around the neatly kept neighborhood.  I walked past a man sitting on a park bench, with his right arm in a sling, typing on his laptop computer.  “I bet you’re right handed,” I said as I walked by.  “You’ve got that right,” he said, going back to his one finger typing.

I looked at the lake for awhile then turned south on Park Avenue;.very nice new homes (about 10 years old) on that street.  Then I passed a “little free library.”  Take a book, return a book.  I’d seen them on the internet but had never actually stopped to look and borrow.  It had about 12 books behind a glass door, well protected from the elements.

This one is from Pinterest—I didn’t have my camera with me. But it was very simple.

I selected, The complete guide to walking for health, weight loss and fitness.  With bursitis and asthma, my walking days are probably numbered, but I thought I’d take a look.  Can’t resist a library. There were actually some pretty nice books—I saw C.S. Lewis and John Grisham, and a few others.  Lakeside has two volunteer libraries, one at the Methodist Church and one at the Women’s Club, plus there is one in Marblehead. We also have a nice bookstore with both new and used books. And of course, yard sales, like the one where I bought the 1934 Reader’s Digest.

"Mark Fenton strides right past all the fad-and-gimmick fitness books with practical, no-nonsense advice to help people of all ages, sizes and shapes start and stick with exercise."--Miriam E. Nelson, PhD., Director of the Center for Physical Fitness, Tufts University School of Nutrition Science and Policy, and author of Strong Women, Strong Bones

"Mark Fenton is the master at helping people get the most from walking. His new book provides a highly motivating, step-by-step plan to take you as far as you want to go--from beginner to race-walk marathoner. Even I gained a wealth of new insights about the science and practical application of walking for better fitness." --Kathy Smith, author of Kathy Smith's Lift Weights to Lose Weight

"Having competed in walking races all around the world, it took having a baby and adding a couple of notches to my belt for me to realize the full value of Mark Fenton's structured approach to developing and maintaining a healthy daily walking program." --Carl Schueler, four-time Olympic race-walker (Amazon reviews)